the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
