i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
