people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
