Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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