sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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