I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
