so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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