So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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