Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
