i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
