Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The air was thick with penises
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
