You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize