You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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