Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
