You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
