I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
