apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
