Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize