Buhtt sex?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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