I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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