my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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