If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
