I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize