I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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