I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
