i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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