this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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