how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
