You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
