Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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