every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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