I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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