wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
