So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
