Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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