it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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