Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
