im having a threesome with these popsicles
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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