I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
