He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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