Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
