Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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