My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
