Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
