apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
