A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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