well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
