you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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