I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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