Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
