Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
