I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
