Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I touched a dick in church today
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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