I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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