Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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