she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
