I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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