Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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