she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
