if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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