Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
