I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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