ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
