why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize
