Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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