there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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