hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
